Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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