the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
