I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
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I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
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I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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