Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
