he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
