You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
