She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
