I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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