I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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