how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
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I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
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My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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