the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
