Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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