The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
