Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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