I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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