Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
