so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
