I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
