It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
