HIV tests are more positive than that guy
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
