I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He literally asked permission to hit on me
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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