Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I intend to get homeless drunk
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
