I wish you could order shots online.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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