I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
