I cannot find my penis.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
