dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
