Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
