She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
