And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You are a genius and a whore.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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