I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
