Midget sex pt 2 tonight
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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