also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I cannot find my penis.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
