So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
