I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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