I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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