I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
