Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
It's shark week go big or go home
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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