I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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