i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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