So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize