But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
