Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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