He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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