So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
