So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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