i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Randomize
