I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
