Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
then he tried to convert me to islam
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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