Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
