Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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