someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
