The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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