So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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