I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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