we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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