I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
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its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
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As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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