"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize