I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
is wine microwaveable?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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