you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize