I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just want nice things and good sex
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
