Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
