apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
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I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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